Today, I decided I was going to forgo my job search and prepare for grad school. I took out my GRE test book, completed a diagnostic exam, and subsequently fell asleep while correcting my answers. It was 4pm. I don’t think that bodes well for the future. American schools may not be the way I want to approach further education.
I am tired of being unemployed. I enjoy the time off and having the day to myself, and my grandparents to be honest, but I can’t help but feel like my brain is going through atrophy. I can’t help but feel like the longer I stay unemployed, the less employable I will be; the longer I don’t have insurance— health, dental and eye, I need them all— the worse off I will be.
I have dreams for the future. I want to work in entertainment. I have a degree from a great university and I studied entertainment for God’s sake. I am fully prepared to hustle and not have a social life for my professional dreams to come true. But it seems like someone has to take a chance on me. I’ve taken chances on myself, actually explaining to others my dreams rather than keeping to myself, and nothing has come of it yet. That’s my fault. I need to take the small openings that are afforded to me and run with them. Be persistent. Try harder. Be that person who grabs your attention right away. But that’s not me. Right now anyway. I have the potential to be that person, but I enjoy my anonymity and quiet moments. I like to chill, perhaps too much. I’m not a rabble rouser. I’m not a smooth talker. I’m not persuasive or manipulative or outgoing with strangers. I may need to become that person to thrive in an industry that is filled with those people. Fake it ’til I make it per se.
I thought I did everything to become successful—go to a good school, have internships, graduate, have a modicum of self-awareness— but apparently I missed something integral. I wish someone could have told me what that was when I was younger.
At this point, I’ll take a full time job that gives me the security I desire. My dreams can wait a bit longer. I’ll figure out a better tactic by then. And maybe then I’ll stop castigating myself for all the small chances I had and didn’t take,